


Detective Cozner

by Dumb_thotticus



Category: Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff, M/M, Mild Smut, POV Alternating, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-02-23
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:40:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 10,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22226527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dumb_thotticus/pseuds/Dumb_thotticus
Summary: In the second episode of The Good Place podcast, Marc Evan Jackson (the actor who plays Kevin) said that he initially auditioned for the role of Charles Boyle. This got the good people of Tumblr thinking- what if instead of Charles, we had Kevin?An AU where Kevin is a detective at the 99- and Holt just divorced Nick Offerman.Inspiration post here: https://purplespam.tumblr.com/post/190205163970/on-episode-2-of-the-tgp-podcast-marc-evan-jackson
Relationships: (on the side), Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago, Kevin Cozner/Ray Holt
Comments: 25
Kudos: 150





	1. Danzes with Wolvez

**Author's Note:**

  * For [secretsofluftnarp](https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretsofluftnarp/gifts).



> Detective Kevin Cozner comes in for another day of work at the 99th Precinct.

Tap tap tap. Click. Tap tap tap. Click. Taappp Taaappp. Click.

“Detective Peralta, can you stop that ridiculous noise?”

Detective Kevin Cozner was a more tolerant man than most, but even he had limits. Peralta’s incessant fiddling had gone on all day. First it was drumming fingers on the table, then it was tapping his police minifigure on every available orifice, and now it was clicking arbitrarily on his mouse. Normally he would have tuned these idle noises out; 7 years as Jake’s colleague meant that he was well used to this. He had perfected his withering glance, the one delivered whenever Jake made a pun regarding his name- Danzes with Wolvez was a particularly loathed one. However, today was different. The squad had just received news that Captain McGinley was retiring- long overdue, in Kevin’s opinion- and that they would be meeting their new captain. 

“I reckon he’s gonna be another washed up pencil pusher, obsessed with Following Every Rule-“

Although he would never admit it he thought that Peralta had a point. Their previous captains had been less than stellar. However, he would still do himself the favour of not listening to the rest of Peralta’s sentence, which in this case was a good tactic because when he looked up Peralta seemed to be in the middle of a robot dance. He looked around to see how the rest of the squad were reacting. Sargent Jeffords was mildly disapproving, Diaz mildly amused. Or not. She was hard to read: that was one of her better qualities. Kevin was a firm believer in not showing extreme emotions at work. It avoided creating a kerfuffle. Santiago was almost there on pretending she didn’t find Peralta funny, but her smile was fighting through. Those two were always partaking in what a man with a limited vocabulary might call ‘banter’. He wondered if there was anything more behind it. Had he been a man capable of ‘joshing around’, he might have been able to answer. 

That trail of thought led him to ponder about his relationships with the squad. He didn’t dislike them, per se, but he had never felt like One Of The Gang. Although undeniably a talented detective and had helped him on many a solve, Peralta was far too immature for the pair to really connect. He enjoyed Santiago’s company, particularly when talking about art history, but he could not foresee them hanging out outside of work. Despite his fondness for Gina she fell firmly under the same category. The Sargent was always busy with his children. Diaz was a firm believer in keeping her work and home life separate. He wasn’t convinced Hitchcock and Scully ever left work. And even if Captain McGinley wasn’t an incompetent moron, it would have been unbecoming to hang out with one’s Boss. Even if they did very little bossing around, they were still your boss, and any further relationship could undermine the mutual respect they should hold for each other, or worse, be perceived as brown-nosing. Consequently, Kevin Cozner’s friends were few and far between, and mostly confined to various sporting activities. Once he had partaken in adequate socialisation, he would go home to his beloved Corgi, read a copy of the New Yorker, and then go to sleep, feeling comfort in the knowledge that he had enjoyed a productive day. 

Although he was not dissatisfied with his life, he sometimes wondered what his life would be like if he was a little…different. He was not a master of relationships. The only romantic he was interested in was the era of literature that had spanned from the late 18th- mid 19th Century. As a younger man, he had thumbed through poetry books, feeling every word of the heartaches and longings within, feelings that were simply not afforded to a man like him. He had always been raised to bottle up his emotions, to keep his chin up and act like a man, goddammit. In a different universe he might have dedicated his life to studying these works, or maybe other classics where colour and light and adventure and emotion spill out of every page, so close that he could almost taste the salty water that the Argonauts had once sailed upon- but that was not the case. Men should be doing honourable, manly jobs, getting their hands dirty- his mother had been very clear about that, so he had joined the police force. It was certainly an adventure, but in this world Medusa and the Hydra took the form of stony-faced bosses and endless paperwork. He had once told that joke to the squad; they had all looked confused. Santiago had the decency to smile at him. Had she understood it? He didn’t know, because other people lie even when someone’s life isn’t in danger. 

Peralta was still in the middle of his robot dance. His dance had gotten wilder, his words devolving into a series of sounds- “Meep Morp. Zeeep-“

“Is that what you think?”

The new captain had arrived.


	2. Thank You for Coming to my Terry Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad meets their new captain for the first time. One detective in particular makes an impression.

Terry tells the captain a bit more about the squad. One particular detective intrigues him.  
“Heyyyy captain~”

The new captain had snuck up behind him. Kevin felt a low sinking feeling in his stomach, combining with his already heightened nerves. This was going to be the captain’s first impression of the squad? He stepped in to defuse the situation. 

“Hello Captain, my name is Detective Kevin Cozner.” He offered a handshake. The captain took it. Up, down, separation. A classic technique. Confident. Distinguished. Both words that could be used to describe the man in front of him. All of a sudden, his mouth became very dry, and he could not open it to form words. Fortunately, the captain turned to address the rest of the squad.  
“I’m your new captain, Ray Holt. “  
Kevin looked at his new captain a bit more. Black, slightly shorter than him, freshly ironed uniform- my god, look at that tie! A testament to haberdashery, he thought to himself. He watched him as his new boss walked into his office, two men with boxes in tow. He looked over at the boxes. It could hardly be classed as snooping as these things were all to be displayed in the office anyway. His eyes found their way over to the box labelled ON DESK. Something colourful caught his eye. No, it must have been a trick of the light. He looked back. The offending paraphernalia was still there. Surely it couldn’t be-  
~~~  
Raymond Holt sat down in his new office for the first time. Most of his things were in two boxes at the side of his office; they would be put on shelves once the movers bought up his antique globe, and then the reality of having his own command for good would sink in. But before he got his hopes too high, he needed to learn about his new squad.

“Sargent Jeffords, a word”. 

A discussion of the merits and drawbacks of the squad ensued. Holt learned (among other things), that Jake was immature but his relationship with fellow detective Santiago was really helping him, that Rosa makes jewellery under the name Dìazzle –“She will kill you if you bring it up though”, and that Daniels was retiring to spend more time with her children- the Sargent hoped that her adult children Hitchcock and Scully would be ok without her. 

“Tell me about the one over there- Detective Cozner”

“He seems nice enough- keeps his head down, does his work. Pretty serious- him and Peralta don’t get along”

“Intriguing. Can you tell me…a bit more?” He said the last bit very slowly, leaning back in his chair as he did.

“He’s a big fan of classic literature, he plays squash, doesn’t like to argue, calls arguments ‘kerfuffles’- Oh, I know! He has a dog called Cheddar- a corgi- and he’s very cute. The dog, that is.” Terry added as Holt looks intensely, his interest piqued.

“Is that good enough?” Terry said with trepidation.

“Yes, you are dismissed”.

As Terry walked out the door, Holt gave Detective Cozner a slight glance, wondering.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If Rosa’s handmade jewellery line isn’t called Dìazzle I’m rioting 
> 
> Because Charles doesn’t exist (yet) in this universe, he never makes Jake and Amy awkward around each other, meaning that they got together sooner. Charles, I love you, but that wedding bells comment was…something.


	3. Flamed Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AN. Holt runs his first meeting with the squad. Things go… a little differently than planned.

Raymond Holt was experiencing an emotion he very rarely experienced: fear. 30 years of being a policeman had made him more confident than most- when he was younger, he was fearless to the point of foolishness. Although he had since dialled back such strong emotional responses, especially at work, the butterflies in his stomach were still largely unencountered territory. He was, after all, about to give his first ever briefing to his first ever command! The importance of this could not be overstated. He had to make a good first impression as someone strict but fair, implement new ideas, best utilise the strengths of each of the squad members, get the evidence room cleared- ok, now he was getting ahead of himself, but the sentiment was there. This was a high stakes briefing.   
“Hello squad, as you are already aware, I am your new commanding officer Captain Raymond Holt. Now, as this is my first briefing, I’m unaware exactly what each of your cases currently entails, however you’ll find I’ve attempted to familiarise myself.”  
This was a lie, at least partially. He had spent most of the last week doing a comprehensive review of every open case at the 99 (as well as some closed ones), to the point where he likely knew the cases better than the detectives solving them. He had used contractions, partially because he had just told a lie, but also to humanise him to the squad. It seemed to be working- at least, Santiago was sat up dead straight in her chair, like a schoolgirl eager to answer a question.   
“Detective Díaz, how are you progressing with the Falcon Street burglary?”  
She was doing well, so well in fact that she had caught the perpetrator! Holt silently prayed that the victory would be filed under his arrest numbers.   
“Detective Santiago, what about the wine fraud? Have you questioned Nicholson yet to see if he was aware of the switch between the Champagne and the…sparkling grape juice?” He shuddered as he said the last three words.

“Who’s Nicholson?”

“Sully Nicholson, the man in charge of labelling the wine, and the person who I believe is the perpetrator.”

“Yep, him, I knew about him… I’ll get right on it!” Amy squeaked out the last words and made to leave her chair, head bowed, but Holt stopped her with a hand gesture. 

“You can do that after this briefing; his one-way flight to Paris does not depart until tomorrow. Now, Officer Terri- “

He made his way around the room, asking everyone in the room how they were doing with their respective cases. Some detectives were doing well, and others were Hitchcock and Scully. 

Holt felt pleased with himself as the meeting progressed. The precinct seemed like it was doing well, and this month should be no exception. He hoped that they would eventually be the best in Brooklyn, but for now, he needed to focus on establishing himself. 

“And finally, Detective Cozner, where are you on the Charming Charrer?” he said, referring to a series of arson attacks that had originated on Charming Avenue. Normally he would object to the use of a made-up word in any context, but he had eventually concluded that criminals did not deserve to have grammatically correct names. 

“Not good Captain. They struck again last night”

“Well I for one would like to see that dirtbag…” He paused for dramatic effect. ” …Flamed out”

“I don’t agree”

The whole squad turned around, shocked. Kevin was notorious for hating conflict, yet now he was barrelling into it headfirst? For no apparent reason! Even worse, with their new boss!

“You…want the arsonist to succeed in recreating the burning of the Library of Alexandria?”

A fellow classics connoisseur, Cozner thought. He disregarded the thought. 

“No, and I think you know that”. What was he doing? Why had the sight of the captain’s desk display changed his lifelong policy of avoiding kerfuffles?

“The criminal is not a dirtbag, because a dirtbag is a very useful part of a vacuum cleaner” Kevin sat up in his chair, adrenaline coursing through him. 

“But the dirtbag is flamed out, rendering it useless-”

“The dirtbag previously served a use- “

“Maybe the criminal was a productive member of society once, and having been disregarded by it, became a serial arsonist to get revenge.”

The squad were watching this dispute like a tennis match. Even though neither party was shouting (in fact, they were both speaking in level baritones), it felt louder than any other conflict they had seen.

Peralta butted in. “You could have said burnt by society it was right there!”

“Detective Peralta, this is my argument to resolve- “

“Jake, babe, please don’t get involved in this- “

“Drag him Kev Kev!”

“We should all just calm down and get back to the brief- “

“QUIET!”

Holt’s voice rang out over the cacophony. 

“I am disappointed in-“ Holt made as if to count how many people had disappointed him but gave up quickly. “all of us.”

He made to walk out the room, but stopped in the doorway.

“Dismissed”.

Nobody moved. 

In their new captain’s wake, silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Coming up next: more squad interactions and speech mark abuse


	4. Respect the Drama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The squad debate what's on everyone's minds- what the fuck just happened?

The squad sat in silence. Nobody knew what to say. What had prompted Kevin Cozner, king of minding his own business, to blow up like that? It would have been less shocking if Jake had announced he hated Die Hard, or finding out that Hitchcock and Scully used to be hot. You know, impossible things that definitely weren’t true. 

Terry eventually broke the silence and said what everyone was thinking.

“What the hell man?”

Kevin bowed his head, looking at his feet. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what the hell man, either. 

Gina spoke up. “Years of watching me slap a bitch while he does nothing finally inspired him to stand up for what’s right… or weird, nerdy stuff that no-one cares about. Like everything Amy says- “

“Hey, it’s not weird to stay in and do puzzles on a Saturday night, right Jake?”

“I love you both, ok?”

“Can you please stop fighting?”

“See, there’s the Kevin I know. Not this anti-dirtbag propaganda machine.” Gina sighed dramatically. 

“Actually, a dirtbag is a very important part of a vacuum cleaner-”

“No-one cares, Kev-Kev. Point is, if you’re gonna fight with our captain- at least let me film it.”

“This is unbelievable. I don’t fight. I don’t know what’s gotten into me. I’m leaving.” And with that, Kevin left and headed back to his desk. 

“Guys don’t talk to Kevin like that- ok he can’t hear us what was that about?”

“Literally what we were just discussing Jakey, keep up”

Jake ignored her. “So, who’s got theories?”

Rosa, who had remained silent up to the point, opened her mouth but never got to say anything, because, at that point, Holt walked in. 

“Why are you all in here? Get back to work!”

The squad scattered quickly, all avoiding eye contact.

Once Jake was back at his desk, he slid the pile of rubbish in front of his hands and pulled out his phone.

This isn’t over

Amy was far too proper to use her phone during work hours, but Jake saw her mouth over to Rosa. A message popped up on the group chat. 

Let’s meet in the break room in two hours to discuss theories xx

The next message read those kisses were from Amy not me

no take backs ro-ro

i love u2 g

Gina did you just text yourself that

Get back to work guys!

ur on ur phone too ter-bear

Terry did not reply. 

* * *

Two hours later, the squad were all assembled in the break room, perching on every available surface. Jake was sat on the central table, legs crossed. Amy squeezed in next to him. Since they had started dating, the few physical boundaries that had existed between them had all but disintegrated. Their one rule was no sex in the evidence room, and that could probably be negotiated with enough solved cases and promises of watching Puzzlemaster and/or Die Hard together (they hadn't tried because as Jake would probably say, that was gross. The sex of course, not the watching Die Hard).

“So now that I have you all gathered here today, I would like you all to be united in the game, the puzzle, I love puzzles- “

Gina talked over her. “What’s up with Kevin?”

“Yeah. That.” Amy shrugged, well used to Gina interrupting. 

“I have a few theories” Jake said. “The bee-wolf-beolf thing he’s always on about finally possessed him”

“He spilt soup on his trousers and got upset” Amy suggested sensibly. 

“Yeah, and now he’s hungry.” Scully chimed in. 

“Yeah, like how I get when I’m hungry” Hitchcock replied. “One time I was hungry so I went to Wingslutz and I asked the waitress if I could lick slut sauce off- “

Terry cut him off sharply. “Guys, he probably just got nervous about having a new captain and freaked out.”

There was a general murmur of assent. They were all nervous about the new captain, weren’t they? Also, nobody had ever seen Kevin seriously nervous (or much of any emotion) before. Talking out of turn was probably how he dealt with it, and hell, dirtbags were probably just another weird thing he had weirdly strong feelings about. The squad seemed satisfied with this explanation and were about to change the conversation to the source of the smell from the microwave before Gina, never happy with the obvious conclusion, cut in. 

“You guys are all wrong”

The squad turned around to face her. 

“You cops are always quick to find obvious answers, try and do things quickly- “

“Well, that is our jobs- “

“Quiet, Ter-Bear. Respect the drama. You’re all so busy being logical and methodical that you didn’t see the obvious truth: Kevin is secretly gay and in love with Captain Holt”

“They’ve only spoken once.”

“I’ve worked next to Kevin for most of my career and I don’t even know if he likes me!” 

“He doesn’t.”

“Do you think it’s the muffins?”

“Probably the ants. Or maybe the pranks.”

Amy tried to steer the conversation back to its source, “Gina, your theory seems a bit farfetched.”

“But juicy andddd probably true”

“I mean, it’s not impossible”

“But unlikely”

“But not impossible”

Terry broke the stalemate. “It might be true, it probably isn’t. I think the best thing to do is either ask Kevin about it or wait it out and see what happens”

“Kevin scares me”

“Me too. That’s settled then. We wait it out and see what happens. Either way, we support him. Nine Nine?”

“Nine Nine!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And the plot thickens. Noine Noine.


	5. Dignity and Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kevin thinks about case-related work things and nothing else.

It had been a week since the captain’s dramatic arrival, and normality seemed to have returned. The only notable change was that Jake was wearing a tie.

Oh, and that the squad had found out that Captain Holt was gay.

Kevin wasn’t sure whether he was shocked or not. The pride flag in the desk box had been unmistakable, and he wasn’t sure what he felt about it. Despite considering himself a man of reasonably liberal political beliefs, something felt off about the display, even though it changed nothing about his personality, or their relationship. Kevin mostly dismissed it. However, a small traitorous part of his mind kept reminding him about it and he didn’t know why. That small traitorous part did, and it was most definitely related to his own sexuality.

It was a widely known fact that Kevin Cozner was chronically single. Despite his initially cold and snobby manner, the people he considered friends had come to know him as a caring, passionate man with a wide range of interests, accompanied by a well-rounded cultural knowledge. There was no reason that he couldn’t have found a woman to spend his life with if he wanted to. When asked about his relationship status by his family, he always gave the same reply- “Just getting along!” This was initially met with laughter, then as he got older, concern, and now, increasing suspicion. A former colleague once referred to him as a ‘wizard’, another had claimed he was ‘stuck in Narnia’, but he didn’t read children’s books so he didn’t know what they meant, yet he was sure it was nothing good. He had gone his entire life without so much as kissing anyone, and he was ok with that. He had a good job, friends who cared about him, and the world’s most beautiful corgi who fulfilled his- very limited- want of physical affection. 

Why should he need more? 

He looked over the arson reports. No updates in a week- hopefully, that meant the perpetrator had stopped, although that was unlikely. All of his other cases were closed and with the lack of updates had come a lack of evidence. The only thing that could reasonably be done to further the case was going on a stakeout at a few choice locations where their perpetrator might show up, and that couldn’t be done until nightfall. Kevin decided to head over to the Captain’s office to ask for a new case. Ideally something difficult and convoluted to take his mind off- whatever it was doing right now. Yet for some reason, his body was stopping him. Why shouldn’t he do a normal and sensible thing? He made to lift his feet from the metaphorical cement beneath them. He looks over at the captain’s office. There’s a gap in the blinds and he can see Holt. And Holt could see him not doing anything and, in his mind, was inevitably going to over to fire him. They haven’t exchanged a word since their explosive conversation upon the captain’s arrival. So, his boss perceived him as an argumentative slacker. And he perceived his boss as… he didn’t know. 

He was a good captain, and a seemingly good person. He was always smartly dressed, meticulous to a tee, and had a track record of impressive arrests behind him. Terry had, of course, familiarised the squad with Holt’s history. He had captured an arsonist, not unlike the one Kevin was grappling with right now. He wondered if the captain would be able to help- no, his pride was too great to accept help from anyone else, much less ask for it, and even less to grovel to a superior officer. Perhaps he was compensating for lacking a different sort of pride, one that the captain had shown in the form of a rainbow flag upon his desk. While he was looking at the flag, Holt was looking… right at him. Shit. He wouldn’t usually use such language, even in his head, but given how many obvious mistakes he had made in front of a superior officer in the last week, he felt the situation warranted it.  
He tore his eyes away from the captain and returned to his case file, looking for a magical solve he knew wouldn’t come. Case, Case, Case. Since he was clearly going insane, he might as well spell case with a K. He really was acting out. 

“Detective Cozner.”

Kevin looked up to find that he was eye to eye with Captain Holt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Terry is fan of Pratchett and C.S Lewis
> 
> Chapter title is from The One and Only by the Chesney Hawks!


	6. We Didn't Start The Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A stakeout happens.

Kevin looked up to find himself eye to eye with Captain Holt.

“Detective Cozner, I’ve been thinking about our conversation last week”

Kevin fiddled with his badge, mentally preparing to hand it in. 

“And I’ve come to the conclusion- you were right.”

After a few seconds of pure shock, Kevin responded. “About the dirtbag?”

“No, I stand by the fact that a flamed out dirtbag is of no use to anyone. What I was talking about was you standing up to me over what you felt was right, and I respect you more for it. “

Kevin didn’t know what to say.

“I despise brownnosing, and what you did in that briefing was the opposite of that. Few men would be willing to stand up to their captain, especially within an hour of meeting them. Even if what you believe in is- fundamentally wrong.”

“Well, I still think that a broken dirtbag was useful once upon a time. However, you’re welcome to try- and fail- to convince me otherwise on a stakeout for… the Charming Charrer.” 

Oh dear. Here his captain was, apologising to him and Kevin was just throwing it back into his face. He didn’t know what was making him act out like this. When Holt said nothing, Kevin continued.

“I really do hate saying Charrer. It seems to me that they just created a word that sounded related to fire just so that we could have an alliterative title, and that people don’t even CARE about the English language anymore-”

“In my opinion, criminals don’t deserve to have grammatically correct names, and by using made up words it shows… we should debate this further at the stakeout. As of right now, I have to book a police car and withdraw some binoculars.” And with that, Holt walked away.   
***

“…In conclusion, Detective Díaz, I cannot help you with your paperwork because I am going on a stakeout with the captain. I wish you the best of luck in your filing endeavours.” Kevin walked out the room, putting on a windbreaker as he went.  
“So Rosa.” Gina glided over on her office chair, the squeaky wheel of her chair the only thing disrupting her flow. “He seemed pretty happy to be going on a stakeout with the captain. I mean, who’s that happy to hang out with their boss?”

They both looked over at a certain brunette detective. In unrelated news, Amy was currently bent over a laminator.

“Lemme rephrase that: what kind of normal human being?”

“Doesn’t mean he’s in love. Just means that he knows he isn’t gonna get fired.”

“True, true true true true, true, true” Jake had walked over, dumping the last of his paperwork into the finished pile. “But he seemed real happy about it. When does Kevin smile?”

“So Jake, you’ve finally realised that I’m right, as always.”

“I didn’t say you’re right, I’m just saying you might have a point.”

“So I’m right, just in more words.”

“I- still think it’s a little farfetched” Amy had given up the pretence of laminating and was listening in. “It’s not that weird to be happy about impressing your mentor”

“I agree with Amy…but that still doesn’t explain the Dirtbag Incident.”

“Exactly. When you guys realise I’m right, I’ll be accepting apologies via grovelling or PayPal.”

“Great. Use the money on their wedding present.”

“Rosa gets it!”

***

“Bad news squad; the captain and I did not see anything untoward on our stakeout, meaning that we have no new leads.”

“Then why do you look so happy?”

“It was a productive night”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN. Gina knows best.


	7. The Gossip Surgeon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She's a gossip surgeon, she can get anything out of anyone- apart from Kevin, apparently.

“Roll up, ladies, gents, nerds, it’s time for our weekly game of What-Is-Up with the captain and a certain Detective Cozner”. Gina walked over from the bar, a platter of shots in hand.

“So what you’re saying is… we need to talk about Kevin”

Everyone in the booth booed. 

“Shut up, that was great- anyway, I have something to say; Gina… I think you might be right about the whole love thing.”

“Oh sweet lords of dance THANK YOU! I even made this t-shirt to reveal when you all finally agreed with me.”

Gina shed her jacket and turned around. Emblazoned on the back were the words: Gina Told You So.

“Yeah but- where’s the proof? All the evidence is circumstantial.” 

Rosa replied. “Maybe the time where Kevin spent two and a half hours in Holt’s office and he came out refusing to say what they talked about?”

“It’s a confidential case. All cases are meant to be confidential, but Kevin’s the only one who listens to those rules. I love rules, but even I think that one is- a bit ridiculous.”

“Wow, Amy breaking the rules. I must be a bad influence!” Jake pulled his girlfriend closer to him. Amy rolled her eyes but she could not conceal her smile. “I mean Amy’s gotta point, but-so does Gina, and I dunno you guys”

“I agree. We need more evidence. Maybe some light torture? Nothing serious, just hammers and stuff”

“No to all of that, but I’m with you on the evidence thing.” 

“Wow, Jake having common sense. Maybe Amy is a good influence after all” The pair smiled at each other. They had been holding hands underneath the table for the whole meeting, and Jake took it upon himself to give Amy’s hand a squeeze. 

“Well we can’t just ask him, none of us are close enough.”

“I’m a gossip surgeon, I can get anything out of anyone”

“How much do you know about my life?”

“Yeah, well, you don’t count.”

“How about we all have a go? Teamwork makes the dream work!”

“Amy, I agree with you but if you say ‘teamwork makes the dream work’ again I will throw up”

***  
“Ok Kev-Kev, tell me everything that’s going down with the Capt”

“I hate being called Kev, you know that”

“Big K?”

“No”

“Big C?”

“No”

“Ginger Ninja”

“No!”

“Ok Detective Kevin Cozner, have it your way. Wanna hear about my friend Natasha? Her dog has lupus”

“I do not”

“Fine. In which case, tell me about what you and Ray-Ray are up to in your office. Come on. Spill”

“We are working an arson case together. It is going poorly. There isn’t anything else to, as you put it, ‘spill’”

“Is it an arson case because you guys are so hot for each other?”

“Ms Linetti-“

“You’re so passionate that it’s gonna set the world on fi- no wait don’t go!”

***

“This might be harder then I thought.”

“I tried to link classical statues into their relationship but all that ended up with is an argument about the artistic intent.” Amy looked despondent.

“And he hates me. You put a mouldy muffin on someone’s desk one time- “

“More than once”

“Rosa, if you’re so smart, why don’t you go in there and get it out of him”

“Go in there and get it out of him, title of your sex tape.” The others looked at her. “It’s a really weird sex tape.”

“Very literal. Hey, do you reckon Kevin’s had sex?”

“The real question is has the Captain? Look, Rosa, you love me right? Do it for me?”

“Gina, I am not subjecting myself to small talk for you”

“Admitting your undying love for someone isn’t exactly small talk”

“What Gina said”

“Title of your sex tape?” Amy said with trepidation.

“Almost there babe. Maybe Rosa should just sit there in silence and intimidate him into talking. Jakey’s a genius”

“Good point. Kevin knows we’re all gossipers, but he won’t suspect you of trying to find out anything. You’re so, oh I don’t care”

“Ok…I’m going in” Rosa grimaced. “Once we’ve milled around for a few minutes so it doesn’t look like you told me to do it”

“Good idea Rosa”

A few minutes later, Rosa went into the breakroom.

“Ok, now that the anti-gossiper is gone, I can tell you that the captain’s had sex.”


	8. The Break Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They all break eventually.

“I can tell you that the captain’s had sex”

“I mean he probably has, but how do you know for sure?”

“I thought he just had a USB port down there”

“Well, through the power of nosiness I can tell you that the captain got the pride flag on his desk from outside the courthouse when gay marriage was legalised. Unfortunately for our friend Raymond him and his husband got divorced last year over an antique decoy duck.”

“Over a duck? Seems a bit extreme.” 

“Coming from the girl who said she’d murder me if I messed up her binder filing system”

“That’s serious business- don’t look at me like that, I file hard! Just a duck?”

“Also that his husband had an affair with his coworker Dave, causing old ca-pu-tan to throw his duck off a bridge, but yeah, mostly the duck.”

“So you could say that… Not Everyone loves Raymond?”

“Boo.”

“Damn, poor guy! No wonder he’s a robot! Also, how did you find all of that out?” Amy sounded nervous.

“An assistant never reveals her secrets- I asked his mum.”

“GINA!”

Gina laughed. “What? S’not illegal I don’t think.”

* * *

“Cozner”

“Diaz”

“To what do I owe-“

“Shut up. Let’s eat in silence”

“I was hoping you’d say that”

They sat in companionable silence for a while, Kevin dipping celery sticks in homemade hummus, Rosa drinking black coffee. Once Kevin had finished his celery sticks, he turned to Rosa.

“Sorry to engage in idle chatter but… what do you think of the captain?”

“Like him. He’s a good guy. Bit stricter than the old one, but he gets the job done.”

“A lot stricter, I think. And that’s a good thing” Kevin said, very fast.

“Agreed. It’s good to have a boss who knows what they’re doing.” Rosa could sense the conversation dying out. She needed to fan the proverbial flames, and the only way to do that might be the same way that the Charming Charrer might start a fire- with a whole tub of petrol. 

“You guys seem pretty close. What’s that about”

“We have a lot in common” Kevin said with an air of finality which did not indicate a willingness to be probed for further details. 

Regardless, she had to keep trying. “I mean you’re both cops”. Their job. She was really grasping at straws here. 

“I guess so, yes. But he just seems so much more…distinguished than me. He is only a few years older than me and has achieved so much more. He’s also more… open.”

Surely that couldn’t be true. He had been their captain for several months now and Rosa couldn’t tell the first thing about him, and this was coming from Rosa, of all people! 

“And what do you mean by that?”

Kevin looked away. He looked nervous and Rosa knew she wasn’t going to get any more information out of him. But she had heard enough. She finished her black coffee with a dramatic flourish, washed the cup, put it away. When she walked out the door Kevin was still staring firmly at his feet.

* * *

“I spoke to Kevin. Small talked him. It was torture but I did it.”

“Soooo what did you find out?”

“That he’s gay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally worked out how to use HTML tags


	9. Monty Hall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two grown men argue over a TV show.

The captain sat back in his chair, satisfied after a long day of work. He wasn’t normally one for generalised statements, but he could say with complete confidence that these last few months had been the best years of his career. The squad was coming along nicely, both as individuals and as a team. Peralta was wearing a tie correctly every day! In a half windsor knot, admittedly, but it was better than nothing. Their crime numbers were good, the team efficient. There was just one thing that was bothering him, and that was the Charming Charrer.

Grammatically incoherent name aside, he was nowhere to be found. They had no leads and even less evidence. Even worse, the detective assigned to the case seemed to hate him, with no explanation as to why! He had no idea what he had done to offend Detective Cozner so much. Over the course of several stakeouts, they had discovered their many shared interests, including (but not limited to) semantics, classical music, puzzles, squash, and Sherlock. Normally finding someone with so much in common with him would have been cause for celebration and the basis for a strong friendship, yet Cozner seemed to disagree with him on every single one of those topics. He had commented that a croque-monsieur, although an occasionally enjoyable treat, was not a good choice to bring on a stakeout, and that had somehow devolved into a series of petty jabs about the merits and drawbacks of peanut butter. It was infuriating, and did little to build either their relationship or the case. And that wasn’t even scratching the surface of the Monty Hall debacle of last night, and the ensuing slap fight constituting of threatening to teach each other about increasingly simple statistics. To prove himself right once and for all, he decided to ask someone capable of first-grade statistics.

* * *

“Detective Santiago, I need your help on a puzzle.”

“I love puzzles! I-“

“Yes, that’s why I asked you. Are you familiar with the Monty Hall problem?”

“The one with the three doors? Where you’re supposed to switch to get the car?”

“…That will be all, Santiago.”

“Sir-“

“I said, that. Will. Be. All.” Holt spat out the words, and by the time he was finished, Santiago was scurrying away to the toilets, probably to sneak an illicit cigarette. Any concern about this had been replaced with frustration at the knowledge that the Charrer was not the only one who had outwitted him. Of course, there was the chance that Santiago might be wrong. It was comforting to remind himself of that fact; she was not a font of all knowledge, just most of it. He figured that if Santiago was wrong he should apologise to Detective Cozner, but to do so would classify as out-of-work banter, something he was strongly opposed to. No doubt the detective would gloat about it at their next briefing. Well, he figured he should get some work done to combat his increasing feelings of ineptitude. A pile of paperwork awaited him in his office. He took the top file off and began to process it. Then, a note that lay underneath it caught his eye. He picked it up, curiously.  
It did not look like a police file. In fact, it was a printout of a website. Upon closer inspection, he realised what it was: an explanation of the Monty Hall problem. He flicked through it. Although riddled with poor formatting choices and full of gratuitous use of colour, it did explain the maths. And it was not what he wanted to see. In front of him was cold proof: Kevin was right. In his haste to examine the piece of paper, he had failed to notice the note affixed to the front. It had been handwritten on a post-it note, and stapled on the paper, despite the pre-existing sticky tab on the back. Clearly this was made by a man who knew the ineffectiveness of post-it notes sticky backs alone. He was less impressed when he read the inscription on the note. 

_Do I have to teach you kindergarten statistics?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An explanation of the puzzle here! Kevin and Amy are right, both in this fic and in the episode.
> 
> https://www.montyhallproblem.com/


	10. It's Getting Hot in Here

It was a clear night in New York. Holt and Kevin were sat in a wine bar somewhere, both holding glasses. Their choices were more experimental than what they would usually choose, but they had thought that maybe a new drink would inspire new case discoveries.  
“…Well, it’s a good thing we found some DNA evidence at the scene, which we used to catch our perpetrator. This is particularly unusual because due to the nature of the crime, evidence like this is normally destroyed.” Then, an urge of reckless abandon hit him. “It is burnt up…like our chance of solving the case”. 

Kevin looked up, almost ashamed. And to his surprise, the captain seemed to be…smiling? 

“That” he enunciated “is amazingly funny”

“I’m glad you liked my little quip. You are normally the funny one after all. Care for a grape?”

“I think I already know what I want for dessert.” Holt closed his hand over Kevin’s.

“What do you mean by that, _Captain…”_ They made eye contact. 

“Sir, we’d like the cheque.” 

They held hands as they left the bar and then they summoned a taxi and then-

* * *

All of a sudden, Kevin woke up. He didn’t know how long he had been asleep for. He slightly lifted his face off the table. It was then he realised that he had not left the precinct since the previous morning. This case was not going to beat him, but it might have beaten his sleep schedule. He opened his eyes just a little, and realised he was in the breakroom and had been using paperwork as a pillow. It was then he heard a few voices.

“Has Kev gone home since yesterday? He’s wearing the same clothes.” 

“He told me he was staying late to work on some case. Must have done.”

“Better not disturb him. He looks tired.”

“What d’ ya reckon he’s dreaming about?”

The door slammed behind what he assumed to be Peralta and Diaz. That was the motivator Kevin needed to lift his head off the desk and look up at the pair surrounding him. 

“Kev, what kept you up?”

“May I remind you not to call me Kev, although it seems futile at this point.” 

“Sure thang Kevvy”

Kevin grimaced internally. “Peralta, if you must know why I stayed so late, I can tell you that it was to solve a case I have been assigned to, otherwise known as doing my job, and NOT to have foolish fantasies involving our superior officer”

“He never mentioned Holt”

“Well I…I heard you…I’m leaving.” Kevin unstuck his cheek from the paper beneath him and drew it closer to him, standing up as he went. Both the detectives around him bolted towards the door, standing in front of it so he couldn’t leave. 

“What are you two doing! Let me out immediately!”

“No can do, mister. We’re going to have a little chat about our feelings, and none of us can get out of it. Rosa?”

“Pass.”

“And I live my life out loud so everyone knows my brilliant thoughts already, which leaves…” Jake paused for dramatic effect “…Kevin”

“We need to talk about Kevin?”

“You booed when I said that!”

The pair high fived, then turned their attention back to the dishevelled man in front of them. 

“Sooo, I think you might have a problem with our captain”

“I do not have a problem with our superior officer; I simply treat him with respect, like any detective should-“

“Handwritten notes? About puzzles?”

“I was proving a logical point!”

“Yeah, and I overheard you arguing on the phone about the finale of Sherlock. I’m an ace detective, Kevvy, you can’t hide these things.”

“Peralta, we share a desk-”

“I agree. Sherlock falling off a building was bullshit. But seriously though, you two just need to bone.”

“I’m sorry detective Diaz, what did you just say?”

“You heard me. I said you two need to bone. You’re pent up.” 

“Detective Diaz, the captain is my- our boss and nothing more, and you need to respect him, and what you are insinuating about me is most-“

“Sure. No normal person talks to their boss about the right way to fold a paper crane.”

“There’s more than one way?” Jake said, incredulously.

“Obviously. There’s the square base, the straight to diamond, the flapping wings-“ 

Kevin nodded in agreement. “Obviously, the square is superior.”

“How do you know that?”

“I have a dark past. Seriously man. Just go for it.”

Kevin had reached the end of his patience. “This conversation is absurd. I am leaving. If you bring this up again you will be answering to the captain.” And with that, he swept out the room, taking his files with him. He had some thoughts to work through. Alone.

“What was all that for?” Amy poked her head in through the door. 

A satisfied smirk played across Rosa’s lips. She put her feet up on the table and leaned back.

“Dude was pent up. Now he knows.”

* * *

“Diaz, Peralta, my office, now!”

The pair sat down, facing their boss, his expression unreadable. 

“Earlier today, I overheard a dispute in the breakroom”

A sinking feeling enveloped the two detectives. Oh god.

“While I did not hear the specifics of your conversation, I could not help but notice Detective Cozner walking out of the breakroom shortly afterwards. He did not look happy and did not make eye contact when questioned about it. I initially concluded that this was due to a lack of sleep: however, the look you two exchanged when I informed you you I had heard your argument suggests otherwise. Do you care to say what you said to Detective Cozner, and why it would potentially affect our already strained relationship?”

When both remained silent, Holt doubled down. “Do you?”

“Yeahhhh I was just saying how you and Ke-Detective Cozner make great friends.” Jake said all of this very fast. 

“Yeah. That.”

Holt paused, bringing his fingertips together as if in prayer. The pair were silent, watching expectantly.

“You can go.” Holt poked his head out of the door. “Detective Santiago-”

Jake ran out of the room. Rosa was too dignified to do the same, and settled for a quick walk. 

* * *

“Captain, what do you want?”

“Information”

Amy looked shocked, and felt confused.

“About- what…Sir, is this about the puzzle?” She was tripping over her words. 

“No…you were right about that.” Amy grinned, then made eye contact and quickly stopped. “Since you clearly know everything, can you tell me what Peralta and Diaz said to Cozner in the breakroom earlier today?”

“Uhhhh-”

“Nevermind. Since nobody wants to tell me the truth I will ask detective Cozner myself.”

“Theysaidyouneededtobone”

“I’m sorry, WHAT?”

Amy scrunched up her face and looked firmly down at her feet. 

“I believe that I have heard everything that I needed to hear. I need to talk to Detective Cozner regarding this matter. Santiago- go, just- go.”

Amy’s walk out of the room was more of a sprint.

* * *

“Detective Cozner-”

“Yes sir. “

“I appreciate your work ethic, but you are obviously exhausted from working all night. Go home and get some rest.”

“Is that all? “

“If I see you again today, I’m cancelling your overtime.” This was a lie of course, but it seemed to do the trick. Cozner was not seen again for the rest of the day. Normally he did not lie, but he felt that the situation warranted it. He had some emergency feelings to work out.


	11. Freshly Roasted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A casual cup of coffee leads to a special revelation.

The next day, Jake, Rosa, Amy, and Gina were sat in the breakroom together, waiting for the coffee machine to boil. Gina had of course found out everything. Everyone had. Even Hitchcock and Scully had voiced an opinion, though nobody cared what it was and it was probably not tasteful. Awkwardness and scented vapour hung in the air. 

“Soooo… any new cases?”

“Not saying.”

“Come on Rosa, you stabbed a bitch lately?”

“No, but if you keep this up I will have.”

It was at that moment that Kevin came in. Normally he would make a beeline for the fridge to retrieve his celery sticks and then proceed to eat them alone, but today he walked with purpose and determination over to the coffee maker. They all knew for a fact he didn’t like coffee.

“Detectives…I want to say something to you.”

“Is it about yesterday, when Jake and Rosa said you should have sex with our boss?”

“No, it’s about the Avengers- yes of course it’s about yesterday!” Rosa said through gritted teeth. 

“Yes, it is regarding the incident that occurred here yesterday. I want to say sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologise to us, Kevin. They- I mean we said-“

“No, I’ve been rude to you two, when really I’m just annoyed at me. I’ve been suppressing a part of myself for too long, and I took it out on my colleagues. I’m sorry.”

That was the last thing any of them had expected him to say. But he was not done yet.

“The truth is, I was jealous. Jealous of how our captain is just so good at his job and accomplished and confident and… out.” Kevin paused for a second, allowing the shrieking of the coffee machine to take over the room. He continued. “He can just come in here, being wholly and unapologetically himself, and I never felt I was able to do that. I know nobody seems to mind but…I still find it hard, Coming to terms with all of this.” 

Kevin stood there in silence for a second. He made as if to open his mouth again, thought better of it, then closed it. 

“I understand.” 

Rosa spoke up. She had tears in her eyes that threatened to spill over, but she was holding it back thus far. At that moment, the coffee machine let out a final shrill cry, and Amy tipped herself a mug. She passed the kettle to Jake. Once they had all taken some, there was still a small amount left. 

“Today is a day of doing things that scare me. I might have some of that coffee.” Kevin poured himself a mug, took an experimental sniff, then drank some.

“Disgusting.” He tipped the rest of the cup down the sink. “But at least I tried”

Suddenly, a memory jogged in his mind. 

“I’ve got to go.”

* * *

Three days later, Kevin bought in the Charming Charrer. She was a lot less intimidating then they had imagined. 

Kevin sat himself down in Holt’s office. He was beaming with pride, so much so that he was actually smiling. He couldn’t help himself. Everyone had clapped as he brought her in; he’d never been so popular. 

“I must say detective, working out that the fires were started with a coffee bean roaster was a stroke of genius.”

“After that, it was obvious that the perpetrator worked at a coffee shop, and those whose houses were being robbed and subsequently burnt to the ground were those with memberships.”

“They didn’t notice because they were getting coffee!”

“A near perfect crime.”

“So perfect that she would likely have got away with it, if not for our very own Detective Cozner. I would drink to that, but we are in a police precinct, it’s 10 am, and I refuse to drink any of that bean liquid Peralta seems so fond of.” Kevin physically recoiled at the thought. 

“But how is it any different from drinking leaves in a bag? I know you’re quite partial to a green tea-“

“It helps with sleep and metabolism. I don’t drink it for the taste.” Holt stared at him pointedly. “I like the way it tastes. A bit.” Holt continued to stare. “It’s my favourite drink.”

“And they all break eventually.” Holt made a movement with his mouth that was dangerously close to smiling. He looked smug. Kevin raised an eyebrow and leaned back in his chair. He was enjoying the view.

“Well, I must say, it has been a pleasure working this case with you. I hope this is the first of many.”

“I’m sure we will be… a successful partnership.”

The pair sat opposite each other, smiling. Neither found themselves wanting to move. 

“You still cannot convince me that the criminal is a dirtbag though.”

“I- “

Oh god. Had he ruined it? He and Holt had just started to get along, and it mattered to him a hell of a lot more than he cared to admit-

“I am obviously not going to have a discussion with you about personal matters, and I never will, but if you were to show up at the address I have handwritten on this unwanted business card by my own volition- which I’m obviously not telling you to do, _especially_ not at seven o'clock tonight. There won’t be a kettle of the disgusting beverage you call ‘green tea’ waiting for you, nor will there be a bottle of port to celebrate your spectacular solve of a difficult case. I most certainly will not be waiting, already slightly tipsy to settle the…nerves, because all of that would be deeply unprofessional. That is all. You can go. And…” 

Kevin turned back around.

“Congratulations on the case.”

As Kevin left the room, he could have sworn he saw Holt smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never drank coffee.


	12. Windsor Knot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is nothing at all to suggest that this will be _that_ kind of evening.

At 6:14, on what would normally be a standard Friday evening in, Kevin found himself staring into his bathroom mirror. He didn’t know what he was looking for: his reflection looked the same as it always did. The captain already knew what he looked like, and after all, he was only going to his house for an informal celebration. There was nothing at all to suggest that it would be… that kind of night. Nevertheless, he felt like he should do something a little different. For reasons he couldn’t explain, he found himself undoing the top two buttons of his shirt. Then he was changing his shirt altogether to something a little more playful (still with an English spread collar, he was not going to entirely debase himself). That was a slippery slope into undoing his tie and retying it as a half-windsor. He ran his hands through his hair, setting strands free of the hair gel holding them in place. He was truly going all out, he thought. He might as well show up at work tomorrow wearing another man’s shirt with cologne on the collar. The only thing that allowed him to walk out the door with a little dignity was the knowledge that only one person would be seeing him that night. Safe in that knowledge, he got out of the house and got into his car. 

At 6:58, Kevin pulled up to address written on the back of a _Copperhead Security_ business card. The GPS announced that he was at his final destination. His throat felt dry. Nerves were building up in his stomach, threatening to overwhelm him. He was seriously considering sitting in his car for a few minutes to get himself together, but that would likely make him a few minutes late, and the fear of being considered tardy was far worse than that of the evening ahead of him. 

At 6:59, he rang on Holt’s doorbell. He heard the captain’s surprisingly light footsteps from behind the door and fought back the urge to run. Really, what had gotten into him. The door opened. Holt was wearing slacks and a shirt _without a tie_. It seemed Kevin wasn’t the only one who had taken leave of their senses. 

“I apologise for the attire, or lack thereof, but Peralta told me that an informal occasion such as this does not require a necktie.”

“You’re taking Peralta’s advice!” Kevin asked, incredulous.

“Normally I would share your contempt, but I didn’t want to take any chances. Peralta tells me I am uptight, and as tonight is supposed to be informal and Peralta has no concept of formality, I thought that…”

“No, it’s fine. Might I come in?”

“Yes, yes, of course. I made some pumpernickel bread for the occasion.”

At 9:37, Kevin and Holt were sat opposite each other, bent over a game of chess. They had long since finished the port, and were now on their second bottle of Pinot. Although the alcohol had rendered their plays slow, the heated debate about the origin of the game was more akin to a thrilling tennis match. A minute later, Kevin would put Holt into checkmate, and Holt, normally so competitive, would find himself not caring. Maybe it was the alcohol rendering him a simpleton, or maybe it was the way Kevin’s face lit up when he realised he had won. Normally he disapproved of any smile that lasted longer than a second. Kevin was the exception that proved the rule. 

“Well, I daresay I must get going. I fear that I have already overstayed my welcome.” There was a note of sadness in his voice. They had enjoyed their night together, but he supposed that all good things must come to an end. 

“I am not doing anything of great importance tomorrow, so, by all means, you can stay if you would like…”

“Well, I am rather enjoying your company.” 

“And I am enjoying yours. Shall we play another round?”

“Yes. Shall we make it a best-of-three?”

“Ah yes. The strategy of losers.” There was a note of mirth in Holt’s voice.

“Might I remind you who is winning?”

“As this is a best-of-three tournament, neither of us.”

“Well played Captain. Enjoy me saying that now, because if you continue your current chess strategy it will not happen again.” Kevin smiled. Again. It was a sight Holt could get used to seeing. 

At 10:44, the pair had abandoned their game of chess, declaring a stalemate. One all. They were both far too intoxicated to continue anyway, so much so that they had reached the point of sitting on the same sofa even though there were two perfectly good ones opposite them. They had just finished a lively debate about the influence of Hollywood on contemporary ballet. Kevin had put up a good fight but had eventually been forced to conclude that Black Swan had brought the artform back into the mainstream consciousness. He still had the upper hand on the dirtbag argument: he could let this one slide. One all. At some point during the discussion, Kevin put his hand between the two of them. Holt had done the same. My, they were truly intoxicated. 

At 11:42, the pair had abandoned both sense and dignity, and it had manifested itself quite prominently. Kevin had unbuttoned his shirt- citing the warm temperature, although it was average at best- revealing his lithe figure. He had placed his head in Holt’s lap, where the man’s fingers were running through his already messy hair. Both were aware of how improper this arrangement was: neither were objecting to it. 

At 1:13, Holt, overcome with emotion, gave Kevin a gentle kiss on the forehead. He apologised immediately afterwards.

“Sorry, I do not know what’s come over me. I am… very intoxicated.”

“No I… didn’t mind. In fact…” Kevin trailed off. Then, against all reason and logic, decided to plough recklessly on. “…I’d like you to do it again.”

Holt leaned down, pulling Kevin closer towards him when all of a sudden, Kevin draped his arms around his neck and pulled him into a tight embrace. A few seconds later it turned into a searing kiss. Then it evolved into hands trailing down thighs, and before long they were both lying flat on top of the sofa, Kevin being pinned down into the cushions. Then, words being murmured against his neck. 

“I think we should take this… upstairs.”

Kevin didn’t reply. He didn’t need to; the way he wrapped his legs around the other man’s waist was response enough. He felt as though he was floating on a cloud as he was carried up the stairs, his captain’s strong arms wrapped around him the whole way.

At 1:15, Holt was pulling Kevin in by the tie. A half-windsor, the easiest knot to undo. With all the buttons already undone, he made short work of his shirt and undid his belt with a well-practiced motion that left little question to any previous experiences. Although not nearly as experienced, Kevin did an admirable job of removing his partner’s shirt while having his shoulders forced into the mattress beneath him. 

At 1:21, Kevin found himself muffling his cries with a pillow. 

At 1:37, the deed was done.

And at 1:42, Kevin lay awake and wondered what the hell he was going to do at work next week, because he had just had sex with his boss.


	13. The New Guard

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake makes a new friend.

Two weeks later, Detective Cozner’s transfer to the 98 was all but finalised. The discussion that had ensued the morning after made it very clear that they both wanted to continue seeing each other and to do so while Holt was Kevin’s boss would be deeply improper. Although neither intended to share the information of their relations, they were in a precinct full of, as Peralta had so eloquently put it, 'ace detectives', so they were sure that it would be discovered eventually. He didn’t want Holt to be accused of favouritism by Santiago, after all. Kevin had just finished packing up his desk when Peralta spoke.

“Kevvy I have one question…Whyyyyy?”

“I wanted to do something a little different.”

“Something a little different- that’s one thing to call the captain I guess.”

Rosa sniggered behind him. “Title of your sex tape”

“Which bit?”

“Doesn’t matter.”

“Up top!” The pair high-fived. 

“You are both ridiculous,” Kevin said, but he was struggling not to smile. Jake remarked that he had been in a remarkably good mood for the last two weeks, and he was sure of the reason why. He was busy patting himself on the back about solving the mystery when a new mystery presented itself: who was going to be his new deskmate?

“Hey, have you seen the new guy? He winked at me earlier.”

Jake turned around. An unfamiliar face was sat opposite him. 

“Hola comprades!”

Jake put his amazing detective/genius skills to work. About the same age as Kevin, although a little shorter, and if the new desk decoration was any indication, a lot less anal about being tidy. The new guy- detective Charles Boyle, as the card on his desk indicated- was tapping his fingers on the desk. Jake joined in absentmindedly. After a few seconds, he realised it was the Funky Cold Medina. He looked up and made eye contact with the man sat opposite him. He just had one question for him. 

“Hey, how do you feel about Taylor Swift?”

“She makes me feel things.”

And in that instant, Jake knew they were going to get along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this marks the end of my longest ever fic! I can’t believe that I took this ridiculous idea so far, or that I had so much fun doing it! 
> 
> If anyone has any criticism, feedback, or future ideas and/or requests, feel free to comment them below- I'm always on the lookout for new ideas. Thanks for reading!


End file.
